Hi I'm Rosie and I deal with depression. It might sound better saying "I suffer from depression" but I refuse to say I am suffering. My depression and I are in a good place. The sadness is there I just don't let it take over my life, to be honest I am actually happier now then I have been in a while. I have what you call "High Functioning Depression." Looking a bit sad and tired but still active. Going out with friends, still showing up for work, and doing errands. The image people have how depression looks on television does not generalize all of us.
(Why is it always a woman is a good question,... for an other time.)
"Depression and I have been friends for a long time; I just didn't know it."
As a kid I remember writing "I hate my life" over and over again on a sheet of paper. When my teacher would ask Why? I had no response to give her.
Trust me when I say my childhood was good compare to others, but then again there were things in my life that it lacked. There was no one to speak to about my feelings, who would understand because I didn't understand things myself. I am not going to get into that right now, but I will say this: Children need a support systems, not just people to watch over them.
As an adult, dealing with everyday life takes a bit of a toll on you and your relationships. We should appreciate the good influences and experiences we have and work towards healing from our past.
One of my main reasons for advocating mental health is because when you really think about it it's not really about you! Again… It's NOT REALLY ABOUT YOU!
Think of all those around you. Friends family and co-workers, maybe even your employees. If you are in a good place mentally, emotionally and spiritually it shows. The fucked up part is that some people don’t like happy people; because they themselves are not happy. When you are in a good place you treat others better you feel better as well.
(EXAMPLE) In movies we see the school bully has a "NOT SO HAPPY HOME LIFE", taking his frustrations out on the smaller kids at school.
And other( EXAMPLE) You're at work and your boss yells at you everyday, then you go home to your kids not doing homework and making a mess all the time. You are sick and tired of it and yell at them in turn they take it out on a younger sibling. It becomes a cycle.
*My point* is if we learn to heal from our past we can become better, for our selves first, and then for those around us.
Let's say you're doing the work (the work meaning being positive and keeping a good energy level), but are encountering negative or toxic people that want to keep you at their level, it's time to say good bye. We have our own paths the same way our paths merged together they can also detach. Do not stay at a level because others choose to not work on themselves. We can't take everyone with us, but if at the end they we meet again let's celebrate.
People change as well as their values. I was once seen as a Dominican chick from Washington heights that wore weaves (Hair extensions) and carried a few Louis Vuitton bags on her arm Listening to rap. Now I am a Yogi with a pixie cut that rides her bike everywhere listening to jazz. Again you don't have to continue to be who you were if it no longer suites you.
People can change do not let any one tell you different. Not ever one is stuck in their situation some choose to be where they are. Every morning you wake up is a chance to live differently. I know all of this sounds "cliché" and you've heard before, but it's true.
One day I woke saying "I don’t want to stay fat." Started going to the gym and living a healthier life style. At my own pace. Years later after sticking to it I lost 63 lbs. I no longer eat meat, I include greens in most of my meals and I stay my ass away fast food. All it takes is one day to change your mind. Why not choose today?
A couple of years ago I was in a deep depressed state where I hated everyone, I wasn’t happy and I was contemplating suicide. I was watching a show on Netflix called 13 reasons why… (spoiler) it was about a girl who made a tape or 13 tapes. (can't remember that part) She gave 13 reasons as to what lead up to her decision on committing suicide. When I say I was going to do it, this show was telling me go ahead life is rough right now, i was going to do it. Then they showed the after affect, what happens once YOUR life is over and what happens to those around you. (You know the part no one thinks of, because they are selfishly trying to die) That’s the part that stopped me. I started thinking about how fucked up it would be to leave my dog in this world with out me. (I was his whole world, and he was mine.) How my mother and sister will suffer. I also didn’t want to subject my dog to eating my face incase no one found us in time. (Fucking Dark right!)
MY dog is the main reason I never committed suicide. His cute little face always licking my tears when ever I would cry. He has saved my life time and time again, and I am for ever grateful for my late furry companion. Only because I have started my healing process before Grattitti's passing is how I am able to go on. The day I realized his health was declining I had a breakdown. Holding him in my arms as I cried, wishing this would all go away so I wouldn’t be with out him. That was around May of 2020. Coming from a place of understanding, I thought about the importance of his last days. Taking him out for more walks, being patient with him, feeding him by hand because he couldn’t eat on his own any more.
My last few months with him felt like I was working in an old folks home with one resident… Graffitti! Giving him better days made me feel like treating my self better. I started working out again gaining muscle. I was suffering from muscle atrophy because of the lack of protein in my body. Adding better habits like yoga into my daily life improved my mental health. Shortly after thanksgiving of 2020 I had to put Graffitti down, his health had declined more in that week. I am so appreciative of the time I was able to spend with him all of 2020 while in lockdown, giving him much love and care. Learning that every day counts it doesn’t matter what happened yesterday because I am here today ALIVE AND WELL. So get out of your rut make the best of your situation stop complaining and live your fucking life, because your only here for a short while… Might as well make it good…
My spiritual journey has taught me to love and value my self so I may help others. Healing isn"t all rainbows and butterflies. It's facing your truth in darkness. Working towards shine the light back into your life. Crying and accepting the past but moving on from it. DON’T continue to bring up the past, it's only keeping the pain alive. Take time out to write out your emotions. How do you feel?
Journaling has helped me process my thoughts and emotions. My method: Listening to some LOUD-ass Italian opera as I cried my eyes out, expressing my self on paper… what's your method of healing?
As always folks be good, drink, water and live happy… Signing off Rosie La Madrina
I Love you Graffitti, you will never be forgotten….
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